29/08/08 

Last night at about 8.00 Helen had a surreal calm look on her face. In fact she looked quite happy. To be honest she looked drunk. Now I know what it’s like living with me! She went to bed just after 8 and looked absolutely at peace with herself. The Diazepam was kicking in. I kept asking her if she was ok and all I got was ‘yeeehhh’. I told her to think about us walking in a big green meadow and a stream and was just about to have a picnic the minute I said picnic she was out for the count. Very very strange. To see someone so intelligent absolutely on the ball to be replaced by this shadow of her former self is at the moment quite nice , this might seem strange to you all but compared to the panic attacks this is heaven for everyone.
Wasn’t until the day after we realised that Helen had been taking the op dosage of Diazepam no wonder she looked pissed. All rectified now.



27/08/08
Got up this morning knackered as usual. Time to start multi-tasking, having a real battle with Abigail at the moment over the ironing. She has a week off and I don’t see why she can’t do a bi of ironing for me to help the situation. Helen woke earlier than usual as she went to sleep at about 7.30 the night before. Put her into bed and then kept checking her after undressing her. I fetched the usual drinks and tablets she needs to take and also made sure the fan was on.

Washed pots and tidied up then went to work thinking about Helen the whole time and that the kids were looking after her.

I sometimes forget about the situation we are in and then I realise what the butterfly s are in my stomach are for. As I work it takes me twice as long as everyone wants to know how Helen is. I think ill have a tee shirt made with ‘No News’ today.  Sometimes I wish I d kept it private as the no news today is really frustrating.

My emotions are erratic sometimes I think things will turn out ok and then the prospect of being single and on my own again is quite scary. Which one will it be?

This is my daily thought.

I hope and pray for normality and do the simple things other couples do, be a couple, go on holidays, go for walks, and talk about other things other than transplants. If not I think we will all be traumatised for life. We are waiting for the most important phone call of our lives.    

 
 
 
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